Lessons Learned: Reflections on Grief and Freedom

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This piece began eight months ago.  

Four months ago, our family embarked on a cross-country road trip in a big ass pickup truck with a bigger on the inside fifth wheel attached.  As we reach the junction where our journey is to pivot and expand beyond sea to shining sea, my therapist has tasked me with reflecting not just on the past four months but on the past two years as well and what I’ve learned, what has changed, since I pushed the cremation button and decided to rise from the ashes of my mother’s funeral like a phoenix.  

I’ve learned that not everyone has the capacity to hold grief.  

Western society prefers to bury grief under mindless distractions and busyness.   Wanting to sit with and in your grief disturbs those who aren’t prepared to do the same and can often leave you feeling utterly alone as you tread the uncharted waters that grief throws each of us in at some point in time.  

I’ve learned that the ones who are also doing their own healing work will hold you down and hold you accountable.  

It was the people I least expected.  

I learned to reevaluate my expectations of individuals. 

I’m still side-eyeing people as a whole, but I’ll let an individual show me who they are, and then move accordingly.  

I’ve learned to set the tone for my life.  

I used to say that others determined the version of me they got.  To some extent, that’s still true, if you are kind to me, I’ll be kind to you; but I’m not leaving room for being the find out in someone’s fucking around.  If you wish to be foolish, I’ll remove myself from the equation.  I’m not taking the situation to hell.  I’m not doubling down on the petty.  Instead, I’m packing up my crayons and moving to a table that’s serving peace and love.  My silence and absence will speak for me.  

I’ve learned I don’t need to get my lick back, because the people who think you’re disposable or who don’t hold any esteem or respect for you aren’t going to care what you do to satisfy your bruised ego.  

In most cases, it gives them more fodder to bolster their own fragile self-esteem.  This does NOT mean I won’t speak on what I’ve been through in life.  

Quite the opposite.  

I’ve learned I can and should own everything that has happened to me, and it is well within my right to speak on it regardless of how it makes others look.  

If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they would have behaved in a manner that elicited warm and fuzzy thoughts.  If they didn’t, well, that’s on them.  

I’ve learned what I need in a partnership, and that just because someone says they love you, it doesn’t mean they know how to love you well.  

There is a difference between speaking the words and doing the action of loving. 

I’ve learned that it’s ok to say, “This isn’t how I need to be loved”.

Understanding that my heart can’t make a home where someone’s response to that is “you need to see how I’m loving you is sufficient” instead of “tell me how I can love you better”, no matter how much it hurts, because I’m worthy of consistent loving action.  

I’ve learned that I love deeply.

But I’ve tried to love in shallow waters and nearly drowned from my unmet needs and expectations, while I drained myself attempting to fill pools that were never my responsibility to replenish to start with.  

I’ve learned I only want to be around people who are enthusiastic about knowing me, not consuming me.  

There is a clear difference, and I can feel it in my spirit.  

I’ve learned that life truly is in the spaces between our best laid plans.

The best thing we can do is to embrace the chaos.  

Additions eight months later - 

While I’ve learned a lot, I’m still learning. 

I’m still learning how to thrive instead of merely survive. 

I’m learning that time is the best remedy for grief, not because it erases it, but because it makes you stronger. 

I’m learning to feel my feelings and embrace the complexities of this human experience.  To stop. To rest. To breathe. To cry.  To laugh.  

To be… unapologetically human. 

I’m learning how to love myself well, so I never settle for less than that ever again.  

I’m learning how delicious freedom tastes and how to be brave enough to fearlessly chase it, no matter the obstacles placed in my way.  

I’m learning how to be grateful for the pain and where to let the light in.  

Each day, a new opportunity to get clearer on who I am, how I wish to move through this life, and what stories I want to punctuate my existence, so when the curtain closes, and I take my final bow, I can be proud of the performance that was my life. 

Copyright(c)2026 Rayven Holmes

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