I get questions from time to time about all sorts of things. How to manage single parenting and homeschooling. Red wine.  How to get through a divorce. Red wine. And how to be a less shitty white person. The answer to that question isn’t red wine. Sorry, not sorry.
 
The most recent, “How do I not screw up while being white” question I was asked about was Juneteenth and how to recognize the holiday when you’re not Black.  I figured it’s been a while since my last post so I would put my response here for all my white readers trying to be better in 2020.  I’ve expanded on my original answers to offer a bit more depth to all of you. You’re welcome.
 
So, you want to celebrate and recognize Juneteenth: 

• Do NOT wear traditional African clothing. Yes, our politicians donned Kente cloth and did some performative kneeling instead of passing laws to deal with systematic racism, but you aren’t them. You want to do better. DO learn about, and teach your offspring about, traditional African clothing, what it meant and still means to those in the African Diaspora. Do the same for Black hair. Learn about the fetishization of Black bodies and unpack the ways you have and currently do fetishize the Black form. This includes learning about the White Gaze.
  • Resources to aid you in this:
    1. https://www.blackfeminisms.com/body-types/
    2. https://www.aaihs.org/the-history-of-white-investment-in-black-suffering/
    3. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-illustrative-identity_b_6519244
    4. https://www.history.com/news/black-hairstyles-visual-history-in-photos
    5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAs3E1AgNeM

• Buy Black. Buy Black. BUY BLACK! Order take out from a local Black owned business and tip generously! Get a jump on your holiday shopping and find Black owned businesses that sell what you're looking for. Purchase masks from Black seamstresses. Purchase gift certificates from local Black businesses that can’t operate during the current pandemic.  If you’re spending money on Juneteenth, the recipient needs to be Black.   
  • Resources to aid you in this:
    1. https://lmgtfy.com/?q=black+business+near+me
    2. https://www.blackbusinesslist.com/
    3.  https://officialblackwallstreet.com/directory

• As a family, learn about Juneteenth, the deconstruction of Reconstruction, Jim Crow laws, redlining, the prison industrial complex, and systemic racism. Write letters to your representatives supporting Black Lives Matter, defunding and dismantling the police, decolonizing your children’s school curriculum and your community, this includes the removing statues, plaques, etc. that celebrate racist leaders and ideals, making Juneteenth a recognized state/federal holiday, and reparations for the Black community. Each point needs to be its own letter. Flood their mailboxes, both physical and virtual.  If you’re comfortable flexing your unearned Karen powers over the phone, add making phone calls to your list of tasks. 
  • Resources to aid you in this:
    1. https://www.juneteenth.com/history.htm
    2. https://www.khanacademy.org/humanities/us-history/civil-war-era/reconstruction/v/failure-of-reconstruction
    3. https://www.history.com/topics/american-civil-war/reconstruction
    4. https://www.raceforward.org/videos/systemic-racism
    5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o-yD0wGxAc
    6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krfcq5pF8u8
    7. https://lmgtfy.com/?q=who+are+my+representatives

• CHECK YOUR FELLOW WHITE PEOPLE! You need to be doing this all day, every day to start with. And you need to come harder on Juneteenth for Black lives.  Make folks uncomfortable.  Remember white feelings are NOT more important than Black lives.  Check your mama, your daddy, your Biden loving aunt. All. Of. Them. Make sure to check yourself too. Juneteenth is a workday for white folks. If you don’t go to bed tired with a significant dent in your wallet, you’re celebrating the day wrong. 
  • Resources to aid you in this:
  1. https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org/

• Give money to the Black folks you learn from during the year.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your coworker, the spouse of one of your white relatives, or an activist/educator of the Black experience. Pay. Them.  Most have either a cashapp, PayPal, or Pateron account. Leave them something to show you appreciate their labor. Not sure how much to give? Start with 3/5ths of what is in your bank account right now. Your ancestors said we were only 3/5ths of a person and built you a world that continues to treat us that way so if you’re unsure about how much to give you can part with 3/5ths of your money. 
  • Resources to aid you in this:
    1. Your bank account 

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• Shower the Black folks in your life with love. Leave a bottle of wine on their doorstep, send them a Visa gift card, buy them dinner, a spa gift certificate. Anything to bring them joy. Don’t ask them for shit! They don’t need to thank you. You don’t need to post all over social media about what you did for them. Move in silence when leaving love and use your voice for points 3 and 4! 
  • Resources to aid you in this:
  1. Your bank account 

Begin your work now:
cashapp: $RayvenHolmes
Paypal: rayven@rayvenholmes.com

Copyright©2020 Rayven Holmes
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​Once upon a time there was a prom and a personal determination to look phenomenal while being comfortable.  To accomplish this, I slid on a gorgeous teal dress shirt that popped against my skin and then paired it with a fitted black suit jacket. One pair of ultra-black skinny jeans, some black and white high-top Chuck Taylors, a blinged out bowtie choker, a dash of red lipstick, and a head scarf from the Mother Land later; I was in peak “steal your girl” mode and immensely comfortable. 

My father, on the other hand, was on the verge of an aneurysm. 

He tried to persuade me to wear a dress.  It was prom season and there was no shortage of gorgeous dresses I could scoop up for the night.  I wasn’t interested in getting zipped into anything and when I informed him of this, he offered to get me a nice skirt and new top. Anything other than what I had picked out he pleaded.  If it was feminine presenting, he was willing to buy it.  I declined each offer, completely comfortable in what I had chose for myself.  When my best friend arrived, he tried to persuade her to talk some sense into me.  “She can’t go out like that” he insisted.  My bestie, the amazing woman she is, brushed him off and stated that as her date I was dressed as I should be.  After my father clutched his invisible pearls, we snapped some pictures and went out into the night, my father still shaking his head in disapproval as the Lyft drove off.   

This was less than a month ago. 

I was going to start this by saying it’s been a while but apparently, it’s only been about a month since my last post. Congrats to me for slowly creeping toward my goal of posting once a week again. So, what brings me to this junction of thoughts and virtual paper today? A theory. Yup a theory. Not a scientific one. This one is about work-life balance and a stove. I was introduced to the four-burner theory during a small business support group. For those who are unaware of this theory, like I was, pull up a seat and let me give you a quick crash course on it. This theory approaches our lives as if they are small four-burner stoves.  Oh, you thought you were one of those grand stoves with six or eight burners? Me too. But apparently, in this theory, we’re not. We’re all tiny stoves that are slightly broken because in order to be “successful” you must cut off burners. So, if your existence was a meal, for this meal to be tasty you can only cook two items at a time.
 
Now each burner is an item. You have your family, your friends, your health, and your work. No hobbies. No spiritual or personal growth. Just your family, friends, health, and essentially wealth. When this theory is brought up in the work/life balance discussion success is usually meant in terms of one’s career and not overall enjoyment of one’s life. Since being introduced to this way of dissecting our lives, I’ve bounced around in my head what success means to me. I don’t see my life as a simple stove where only two burners can work efficiently at the same time. I know I can’t have ten burners going full blast at once. That’s a level of anarchy that I’ve been there and got the t-shirt for and have no desire to ever recreate. I get the general gist of this theory and the notion that we do have to occasionally put some things on the “back burner” so to speak in order to focus more on other areas. I hate the way this theory breaks elements of our life down into burners instead of realizing those are the meals we’re creating for the feast that is our life, though.  My life is more than four burners. And I don’t gauge my success in this life by how well the work/wealth burner is doing. I gauge my comfort, as well as my family’s, by how well what I’m cooking on that burner is doing. But it isn’t the meter I use to determine if I’m winning at life.
 
There’s more to a successful life, for me, than having a winning career. There are moments with my kids, laughter with friends, self-discovery, and new experiences. Because of those things I’d rather tweak this theory to be a more accurate representation of the richness of our lives. Yes, there is give and take, but it doesn’t mean a burner has to be shut off. Simmer is a perfectly legitimate setting to use in cooking whether literally or figuratively.  True to form, I crafted my own life theory and I shall call it the Feast of Life.

How does it work? First, let’s throw out that crappy four burner stove and upgrade ourselves to one of those commercial grade six burner stoves with a griddle and not one but two ovens. With this we can really do some cooking, but before we start throwing down in the kitchen, we must first know what courses we want to make and what ingredients we need to ensure a delicious meal. Every quality chef has a plan before they bust out the hardware. I’ve spent the greater part of last year breaking down the ingredients I need in my life and exploring the configurations of those elements that would yield a feast I can be proud of.
 
While the four-burner theory is a quick and easy way to dissect our lives, it doesn’t challenge us to dig deep into what we need to truly be happy in this one life we have. Sure, career success is great but is that truly what will bring you fulfillment in life? If so, awesome. If not, then what would? Now’s your time to sit and marinate on that. What areas of your life do you want to be remembered for? Break the notion that a successful life is one that can have a price tag put on it. Instead, look at what ignites that spark in you and run with it. That’s your main course. We all have one, it’s the area of our life that sustains us and breathes life into our existence. It’s the guiding hand as we're moving through this world making vital and even benign decisions.
 
For me, my main course is family. According to the four burners theory I need to put that on the front and crank that burner up to high. Easy. Except not really because nothing worth having in life is as simple as tossing a pot on high and calling it a day. To be able to call my life a success I had to take it a step further and look at what makes up the meal that is family. My kids are a given. As well as my spouse. But there’s more there. The Ex is family too, for better or worse we’re in the business of co-parenting the bringers of mayhem until we take our last breaths. Then there are the relationships with my parents, siblings, friends who became family, and various extended branches on my family tree that are important to me in one way or another. Each connection is an ingredient, family is a complicated dish in more ways than one; which means it gets three burners and part of the griddle. And half the bottle of cooking wine, but that’s a post for another day.
 
It’s up to you to determine how best to tackle your main course. What needs to simmer or be a rolling boil and when those things need to happen. The relationship with my boys is always on high, but once they are grown and living their own lives? It’ll get turned down. Life is fluid and our cooking should be as well.  
 
Alright, we’ve got our main course bubbling away, what’s next? Our soup of course. Not a soup person? Well for the sake of this metaphor pretend that you are. A soup only needs one burner set to a nice steady simmer so the flavors can blend together nicely. You stir it every so often, check the flavor, and add a bit more kick as needed.

For me, I call that dish friendship. It’s dependable and brings comfort all year long. Especially in those moments when life seems bleakest. It’s complex, but not in the same way my family relationships are. It’s a meal I can survive on, and Thor knows I have, but I need both it and my main course in order to thrive in this life. What you set in your soup pot is the element of your life that won’t implode if you look away for five or ten minutes to tend to another dish but is still vital in creating a memorable feast. 
 
We’ve got our main course and our soup dish. That still leaves us with two burners, two ovens, and the rest of the griddle. For me, the remaining burners and griddle space belong to my side dishes: health, career, and personal growth. The number of side dishes you have will be determined by how much of the griddle and how many burners you need to cook your main dish. Your side(s) are those things that compliment your main course without overshadowing it. My health, career, and personal growth are important elements because they aid in creating a well-rounded life by providing the tools I need to maintain the parts of my life that matter the most to me.  What are the elements of your life that compliment your main course without demanding to be the star of your feast?
 
At this point, we’re breaking a sweat and the kitchen smells amazing, but we still have two piping hot ovens ready. What are those for? They are the bread and dessert courses. Also known as the filler and icing on the cake. These are the things that one could do without in their life but having them brings great joy and ensures a fulfilling life feast. For me, those are hobbies and bucket list items. These are items that aren’t tied to personal growth but instead add to the overall joy in my life. Things like tattoos, running a race, or celebrating New Years in Sydney aren’t vital to my satisfaction with life, but accomplishing these things did and would add that extra something to my feast that would ensure I went out of this life stuffed and victorious by my own standards. 

Everyone’s feast is different. Everyone is fulfilled in life in their own way. For some their main course is work and their baked goods are their relationships with family and friends. Only we can decide how our feast will be constructed. It is our job as the head chefs of our lives to take the time to sit down and look at what success and life fulfillment truly means for us and then set to work cooking a feast that will be enjoyed long after we’re gone.
 
Our lives aren’t easy bake ovens or simple four-burner stoves where we can turn two off and keep on trucking. It’s time we turned the work-life balance narrative on its head and realize it’s all part of the same life. Balance is a lie. We’re all in search of fulfillment. Balance is just the hustle they sell you to keep you slaving over a small stove. Get a bigger stove and cook up the life that brings you the most joy. You’ll be glad you did.  

When the playwriting stopped, I turned to a spiral notebook.  I kept it hidden under a pile stuff in my dresser drawer.  It contained sections of my life.  Moments of pain, joy, and fear.  It flowed from me and brought me peace.  It also hid my fantasy world largely concocted around crushes I had.  Romantic comedies were my forte in the mid-90s.  While my writing has changed as I’ve aged and become a bit darker, working in a variety of heavy themes, I still enjoy reliving my hormonally charged youth every once in awhile. 

  








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​In middle school, my notebooks and diaries were taken because my father didn’t agree with the subject matter and fearing further retribution I stopped writing unless required to for school.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the best laid plans often go awry. My 8th-grade poetry landed me a one-on-one session with my teacher.  She was concerned.  It was clear to her that I was struggling with depression and my orientation.  What was the purpose to life?  Was there really more beyond my current existence? Would I ever know love?  And could I love boys and girls?  And what if I only loved girls, then what?  She assured me there was nothing wrong with me and she was available if I wanted to talk.  I chose to write.  It felt safe to write again and not the fluff, but the nitty gritty of who I was and who I wanted to be.  I don’t know what she did with my writings, judging by the fact that my father never left a parent-teacher conference in a rage it’s safe to say she didn’t show them to him.  

A year later I had the teacher who would make me a better writer.  So, naturally, I hated her class.  I understand now why she was so hard on us, I really do.  But Ms. Eagles, if you’re reading this, I still believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with doodling during class.  I still do it. In meetings, at conferences, and at the doctor’s office.  You can’t stop the doodling, but you can make the doodlers better writers.  Which you did, so thank you. 

For the next four years, my writing life was a blur of research papers, essays, and an occasional creative writing piece that brought me freedom from the world I lived in.  Then, one brisk afternoon, a friend sat me down at his computer and introduced me to LiveJournal.  He said it was just what I needed, and it was.  I longed for a safe space to bear my soul and LiveJournal offered that.  Over the next ten years, I posted there, on various social media platforms as they came into existence, and eventually on blogger.